“You’re a good oven!” I was told after our third baby was born, a healthy roly-poly bundle of 4.02kgs delivered at 38 weeks gestation. “You grow babies well, most prems don’t have such good coverage at 26 weeks gestation”, I was informed after our fourth and last baby was born, three months early and weighing 1.2kgs. ‘I am good at growing babies’, I thought to myself proudly, then looking at my new scar running vertically down the length of my abdomen I corrected myself. ‘I was good at growing babies’.
Now ‘uterus-less’, (see Inside My Womb) barren bar two functioning ovaries, I knew with definite certainty that my baby making days were over. I had only wanted 4 children, I am lucky to have 4 children, but it wasn’t my choice to lose my uterus and its parts and accessories. Despite the obvious questions husband and I now consider, like ‘Is my vagina the same length sans a cervix?’, and still in recovery so unable to test out any hypothesis just yet, there are deeper feelings I am gradually mulling through as I process the events that led to our littlest’s preterm birth.
Nearly 8 weeks post birth and its about the stage where my maternity clothes are becoming too big yet my regular clothes are still too small. I am in lucky the cooler months are here as track suit pants and leggings are a comfy in-between option. Usually I would have a bit of a cry at packing away my pregnancy attire and husband would console me saying “We might have another”, giving me a glimmer of hope we could add to our brood. But this time, even if we considered having another baby, unless we enlisted a surrogate this is never, ever, ever going to happen. So with a sigh I offer up the suggestion we eBay what is still in good nick and clothes bin the rest.
But what do I do now my baby making days are over? Being ‘uterus-less’ does have its perks. No periods, I can wear white without worry. We had fun watching Miss 5 and Miss 3 using all my no-longer needed pads as ‘nappies’ on their dollys. And ‘tampon-art’, where we dipped tampons into paint and holding onto the string flicked them onto paper, did provide an afternoon of entertainment. Yet I still question, ‘Am I still woman, or am I just woman-ish? Will husband find me attractive now I am officially sterile?’.
I was really good at making and growing babies. And mothering has come naturally to me. I thrive on devoting myself entirely to my children and watching them flourish and grow. But this time I am forced to close a very big door on any future possibilities of becoming a mummy again. So I take every opportunity to breathe our baby in as she continues to grow in NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) edging closer to her release each day. I observe the sweet subtleties a newborn’s expression provides. And I love our littlest with the biggest love.
A door may have closed, and it will take some time to fully comprehend what this truly means for me physically and emotionally. But another door has opened. I will never have to watch what I eat again following the strict pregnancy food guidelines in angst. One day I will be able to enjoy wine with dinner, but for now I am enjoying providing milk for my baby (see Boobie Banter). And now our family is finally complete I will never worry if I am going to be blessed with the four healthy happy children I have wanted my entire life (see Is Anyone Listening?).
After our littlest was born and we were informed we were both lucky to be alive, and after my time spent on Women’s Health Ward and meeting many fragile new mums at NICU, its amazing what women endure to procreate. ”Pregnancy is the riskiest thing a woman can do,” a doctor recently informed me and I know that to be true after the terrifying complications our final pregnancy brought us (see The Top). I am grateful to now be able to simply enjoy the beauty of motherhood and mothering the children I have. I am where I have wanted to be since I was a little girl, mother to 4 precious beings, and after holding our tiny baby snugly to my chest in NICU, then coming back to giggles and run-cuddles from my three at home, I truly know with absolute certainty, I am the luckiest.
