I can’t believe at the end of this week my Miss 3, my first born, will be my Miss 4! My Halloween baby has had a rough twelve months health wise and has shown incredible resilience and determination and so when she finally decided to use the potty about 6 weeks ago, she also started to lay down her demands.
Some medical issues had held up our toilet training progress and the nagging echoes of well meaning friends and family questioning “Is she still in nappies?” and “She’s a big girl, she needs to use the toilet!” were unhelpful to say the least. In fact I had stopped going to mother’s groups a long time ago when it was clear my child was the only one still in nappies, and that was way back when she was closer to 2. Husband and I had tried everything to help her overcome her toileting fear with the knowledge it came from an association with pain as she had received treatment late last year when she was physically unable to wee. I cried as I heard her scream out in pain before and during treatment and so I understand why she would associate wee with pain.
After she had recovered we began to try every trick in the toilet training book. We were very lucky to find an accommodating preschool who accepted our Miss 3 without hesitation or being toilet trained and worked with us towards getting her to feel comfortable enough to even sit on a toilet. She announced to our family readily that “Dr Crumpet (her nickname for her paediatrician) check your vagina then give you a lolly” so we had to explain the whole situation so as not to cause alarm should she recant this at preschool. If our Miss 2’s middle name is Danger (see here), then our Miss 3’s middle name is Stubborn! We spoke to doctors, parent help lines, searched the web and parenting books for advice. But in our heart of hearts we knew only our Miss 3 would dictate when and where this toilet training would occur. We had tried bribing, rewards, three different toilet seats and two different potty’s, encouraging weeing anywhere but in a nappy,telling her she wouldn’t have a party this year if she wasn’t using the potty (attempting the ‘cruel to be kind’ logic) telling her the shops ran out of nappies, replacing nappies with undies in the hopes that she would eventually use the toilet as she knew she could not wee in undies as she could in nappies. I even sat on the potty and did a wee as she watched, but all to no avail. She had watched myself, husband and even her Nannor use the toilet and could tell us the exact steps needed to toilet oneself successfully, yet refused to do so herself.
At preschool she refused to even go in a nappy and with concerns about her holding on (as she was able to hold on for 24 hours at times) we sought more expert advice. A peadatric urologist helped us put a plan in place, includung a sticker chart. It worked some what, but there was no such success of her using the potty or sitting on the toilet at preschool. I would arrive at preschool in the afternoon hoping for good news. Holding my breath as the teachers shook their head I would then exhale, cuddle my defiant daughter and tell her that I knew one day she would use the potty as she is very clever. Her teachers ensured me that the day she used the toilet I would know as they would hang up a big sign stating “She did it!”. That sighn hasn’t yet come.
I will admit that at times it became very frustrating. I knew she was capable of using the potty. She had done so once earlier this year after all. It had been a long day spent at home in undies. I saw her do her “wee dance” again, where she sits legs crossed on the floor rocking as she does her best to keep her wee wees inside. I picked her up and placed her on the pink potty complete with princesses and a sparkly chiming flusher. She began to cry, “I can’t do it Mummy, I can’t, I cann’t!” She was shaking and I really felt for her as she was clearly upset. I knew she needed to wee, it had been nearly 24 hours since she last relieved herself and her body movements were indicating it was nearing impossible to hold on any longer. I thought if she just did her wee on the potty once she would see it was no different to using a nappy to wee. I held her hands and told her it was okay. I turned on the tap to help her relax and let go. Miss 18 months sang “Let it go, let.it.gooooo!”(theme song from the movie Frozen) and Miss 3 yelled “No, no NOOOO!” She was like a woman in labour, yelling she couldn’t and wouldn’t, then suddenly the sound of gushing liquid and she slumped forward as relief flew across her face. Lots of cheering and clapping ensued and we proceeded to call her grandparents and her closest friend to declare the great news, that she had used the potty!
Fast forward 4 months and we were no closer to potty training. She had refused to use the potty since then and we knew if she was ever going to toilet train it would have to come from her. It appeared our daughter’s will power was much stronger than ours and we feared she would hold on longer if we pushed the matter. So we let it go, forgot about trying to force this developmental milestone, silenced the comparisons others made between our beautiful, smart, creative daughter and their similarly aged toilet trained children. I even got to the point were I realise it was very likely I would have a 4 year old child who was not toilet trained. I spoke with the preschool teachers about home schooling as how could I send her to big school in nappies? Then one day whilst at a park she sat mesmerized as she watched some older girls celebrating a birthday. They gracefully ran about in beautiful dresses giggling and singing. Miss 3 turned to me and said “Mummy, I want a dress, I want a pretty pink dress”. I looked into those crystal blue eyes that melt me every time and replied, “Only big girls have dresses like that”.
I hadn’t thought anything more of that conversation until later that night when tucking our girls into bed. We had had other conversations that day as Miss 3 went through the list of family members who still had their birthday to come before her, only one left to go now before it was her birthday. We had just finished our songs when Miss 3 looked at us and crawling out of bed said, “Daddy, take me to the toilet”. My heart skipped a beat. I watched as she held husband’s hand and they walked to the bathroom. He looked back at me shrugging as I raised my eyebrows and whispered “This could be it!”. Then moments later from behind a closed bathroom door I heard subtle high fives being shared. I opened the door and looked inside. Miss 3 was sitting on the potty, huge smile. She had done a wee! On the potty! This was amazing! My husband looked at me in disbelief, almost nervously as if any movement might disrupt this huge step towards toilet training. “I just held her hand,” he shrugged again. I know it may seem strange to be celebrating weeing on the potty with your nearly 4 year old but after the struggles we all went through and the health set backs this was a monumental moment in our lives. Then our sweet yet stubborn Miss 3 looked at us both and said, “I want a fairy party, I want a big pink cake with a fairy on it. I want a pretty pink dress and fairy wings”. And the list went on. Yes she had toilet trained finally but now she was laying out her demands thick and fast. I was so happy I didn’t care, “Yes darling, we can have a fairy party, we will get your dress this week! But…you need to keep using the potty”. I had my own request for her to follow.
A week later and all her wees being done in the potty we were back at the urologist for her check up. I spoke alone with the urologist explaining her trials and triumphs since the last visit and then asked if I really should give her a party or if I should wait until she uses the toilet at preschool too. I was told if she wanted a fairy party that is what she should get, doctors orders! She had overcome so much and this was such a huge step, and from that night she had taken herself to the potty every time she needed to wee and done so successfully without fuss or assistance or any reminding. I had a brief discussion about how to continue her toilet training journey and about embracing the potty as a family member that now travels with us everywhere as big toilets are still too scary, and then our Miss 3 came in to see the doctor. She was proud of her achievements and talked happily about her upcoming fairy party.
I messaged husband after the appointment, “Fairy party, its happening!”
“Ok, just don’t go overboard” he replied.
Since then we have been busily organising a fairy party which we are set to host next weekend. Whilst I’m not sure our guests will see the celebration as anything more than a birthday party, for our family its a celebration of our daughter’s resilience and strength. I’m so very proud of her! Even if she is very skilled at timing things to her benefit and negotiating within her favour. She certainly is a child who knows what she wants and her stubborn streak is better viewed as determination. She really is a very bright kid.
Have you had any toileting troubles with your toddler or preschooler? I’d love to hear about them.
The one problem we had with toileting was with our son. Turns out he had a small bladder and would come in from playing with wet pants. Our pediatrician prescribed a muscle relaxant, and over time his bladder grew to normal capacity and problem solved.
We certainly are very lucky to have medical support with these matters when necessary. Well done for seeking advice and help at a time that was likely frustrating and difficult. You are a great parent for realising the issue required medical attention along with patience and love. Thank you for sharing!