I wanted to give you the very best start,
But it happened that there was trouble with my heart,
It started beating and getting too fast,
The labour went on but the doctors wouldn’t’ let it last.
My choice to birth naturally was taken away,
Daddy and I cried, both in dismay,
What we had planned, we now had no say.
The doctors they hurried and rushed about,
Cutting and pulling to get you out,
Ripped from my womb, and taken away,
A brutal start, a difficult birth- day.
Suddenly I felt so very sick,
You were unwell too and were taken from me quick,
I was left all alone, scared and sad,
First I was upset, then I grew mad.
As the weeks went by and I didn’t heal,
The pain inside is all I could feel,
Until one day the bleeding started to gush,
An ambulance came and took me in a rush.
Again we were separated, again I would cry,
The doctors just looked, then they would sigh,
It isn’t my fault someone didn’t take care,
To clean and sterilise the instruments even though this wasn’t fair.
Regardless of how you entered this world,
You have been loved right from the start,
My sweet first born, my baby girl,
You will always carry a piece of my heart.
Just a year later we were delighted to find,
A test strip that presented us with two lines,
A dream the night before and I already knew,
Our hopes of another baby was coming true.
We sought the best doctor to this time deliver,
You were taken from me as my tears created a river,
I was so very nervous and terribly scared,
But I did my best to be prepared,
You were cut from my body and placed on my chest,
My body began to tremble, as I stared at you in awe,
You are perfectly beautiful as your looks will attest,
We were amazed at how planned and precise what we saw,
Our doctor continued to work on my scars,
To clean up the mess left from before,
We were now a family of 4,
who had come so far,
And you are divine, you we all adore.
Two more years gone and again we are blessed,
Our first baby boy is placed naked on my chest,
Bigger than his sisters and full of life,
A smoother cesar without any strife.
You are amazing my healthy baby boy,
You bring our family so much joy,
Our recovery was easier this time around,
And endless love for you is all we found.
Flash forward another year and I pray,
Please God don’t take away my baby that is growing inside,
My body imperfect for her to reside,
The first two trimesters is all we manage as I lay,
In hospital I stay as still as can be,
Fearing the bleeding will rip you from me,
Knowing that once you are out it’s the end,
I will lose my uterus, womanhood, my friend.
I try my best knowing the placenta is killing me,
But I must grow you as big as can be,
For if you are too small the doctors will not save you,
They will give you to Daddy to hold until heavens doors you are through,
Then one Summer Sunday my body gives way,
I tried so hard baby, I tried every day,
I am rushed into theatre, not knowing if I will ever awake,
Or if you will live, or if God will you take,
My body is cut right down the middle,
The doctors delicately remove you as they fiddle,
They try not to let the sepsis or abruption take you away,
They transfuse me with blood in the hopes I will hold you one day.
You are quiet, not breathing and so very blue,
I am bleeding out, my heart now failing too,
Together we fight, together we lay,
Daddy waits outside, he paces as he prays,
Dear Lord please keep my girls alive, please deliver them to me,
I will do anything, if you please set them free.
You are rushed to NICU and Daddy he follows,
I am left in theatre, as time I now borrow,
The following day I slowly awake,
I am strapped to a bed, no moves can I make,
My body hurts and I don’t know where you are,
Are you earth side, or are you a star,
Glittering bright, lighting up the night sky,
When I’m handed a picture of you, I begin to cry,
Then back to blackness my body goes, it is so weak,
I fall into a very long sleep,
But when I awake I am determined to get strong,
I want to see you, to hold you, but I am scared I will hurt you, as my body did you wrong.
I only held onto you for 26 weeks and 3 days,
You were not ready yet to see this world,
My body, it failed you in so many ways,
My youngest, my tiniest, my sweet baby girl.
A week passes quickly and they wheel me to you,
You are in a plastic box but I can see through,
Like opening a portal to my womb that was taken away,
I hear your cry for the first time that day,
I scramble to hold you but you are too small,
I place my hand through the hole in the wall,
Of your plastic crib and you grab on tight,
That’s my baby girl, you grow strong and you fight,
Your Mummy wants you so very much,
To breathe you in, to feel your touch.
Love is the reason I have my biggest scar,
You and I now have come so far,
You are now 1 and walking about,
You are taking and giggling and now we can shout,
We are both fighters, fierce and strong,
And I am forever grateful I can hold you in my arms, which is where all my baby’s belong.