At the end of term 2 there were mutterings that lockdown was inevitable. We were told on the last day to take everything home with us, to prepare for remote learning. There as a nervous buzz in the hallways as we crossed our fingers and placed our marks books in our bags. It has been the way of the Government to make decisions that concern us as a profession and then go and announce those decisions to the entire population before telling us their plan. I’m not even sure they know their plan, they are making it up as they go, it’s changing at every turn. A more recent change is the coercion into having our entire profession double vaxed, abolishing our right to autonomy over our own bodies.
Week 11 into this lockdown, at a guess, I’ve actually lost count, and there is a student in my year one class I haven’t ever met. I see his video responses and mark the work I’ve set for him and his classmates who have also not met him, but I do not know this child. I watch as my own seven year old struggles with remote learning, staring at a screen listening to his teachers instructions as I work away at creating online lessons for my own class. My son sits beside me learning to wag class by muting his teacher and leaving meets early arguing they won’t notice if he logs off.
I thought I would be able to access some sort of leave because surely with a husband who works full time from home and four children aged between 10 and 5 it would be impossible for me to maintain my own work load on top of now homeschooling three children and trying to tend to the basic supervision required for an active preschooler. But when I asked, thinking maybe between my husband’s work and mine, we could juggle my work days with a few sick leave days thrown in for good measure my boss told me “Your kids will just have to suffer, like mine did last year”. But why is that? I noted the ages of her two children, one an adult who works at the same school and another in the last years of high school, vastly different from primary school and preschool aged children and my brood doubling her number. I knew she didn’t mean it in a bad way, it’s just that is the way, the way of teachers.
I had only just returned after a decade of maternity leave and boy did I walk into a shit storm. “Are you okay?” my boss asked on one of the first zoom meetings as I grappled with learning new technology, several online communication platforms and a nasty cold (not Covid, I had a test). Did my shaky voice and tear filled eyes give it away? No, I wasn’t alright, none of this is alright. I haven’t had a sick day when I would have been in no state to teach onsite and now I work more days than I am paid for, attending meetings whilst my children flitter about asking for help with their own learning and what can they eat now and when can we go and play and she hit me and he took that and when can we stop, I’m so bored and I hate school work!
I had our older three kids attending school onsite on my two paid days of work, so I can stay stuck at a computer, my children guided by teachers at school, so I can attend to my class online. My preschooler also went to preschool on those days until I was told she was no longer allowed to attend. But then last week we got the phone call no one wants, our school aged children are close contacts of a positive case from their school. The fear this has filled my kids with is horrifying to watch.
The nurse at the drive through testing clinic kept asking, “Any more?” as my children bundled out of their seats and over to my lap to have their mouth and nose swabbed, clutching teddies, tears streaking their cheeks. When the army and police showed up this morning to check we were in fact at home on house arrest I felt like a criminal. Not because we were doing anything wrong, but because it was all so dramatic. “Do you need anything, any medicines you can’t order online?” the officer asked after a brief roll call. I hesitated, I could possibly use a Diflucan but can I really ask an officer to get me lady products? At least he was able to tell my seven year old son he has to do his home school work, although that has had no affect on his progress so far. So the police officer and Army clad soldier left in their unmarked car, promising to return again, and again, and again, whenever they please.
The fact Sydney is divided into the East and West is more prominent than ever with suburbs caught up in LGA’s , some only a street away from a green zone yet stuck in the forbidden cities. A complete mismanagement and an inability of the Government to update their status and consider the affect this is having on smaller suburbs that have next to no cases and should be cut some slack, means some Sydney siders bask in the sun at beaches, huddled together whilst other households walk the same pavement day in day out unable to enjoy the sunshine Spring is offering, their recreation muzzled and timed.
The mask wearing and checking in has only heightened my children’s sense that their world is now fractured. It is creating a generation of untrusting children who fear even the air that they breathe, unable to look forward to anything as so much has been taken away. I didn’t send my kids in face masks to school, I know from experience it only promotes face touching and the movement of saliva and nasal secretion between face and fingers and surfaces and back again. I do not regret it, even as they are now deemed close contacts. Kids run about in playgrounds, kids practice using and reading facial expressions as they learn and develop friendships through social interactions, and some kids also wear glasses, all hindered by a mask.
I worry about my class when I do return to mask to mask teaching, as it is no longer face to face. I have students who are still learning the English language, some who have come to my class with no English at all. They will recognise their teachers by reading our names embroidered on black masks, if they can read yet, unable to see our welcoming smiles, unable to read our expressions and pick up on the nuisances formed by these facial movements. I will have to get very adept with eye movements relying on them to show all ranges of emotions. I also worry for those students who are hearing impaired, who rely very much on reading lips to decode the words as we say them. Will they just be left behind? Then there’s the segregation mask wearing causes. Given my children are told at school that ‘wearing masks is kind’ does this imply not wearing masks is mean? There is no mandate for primary aged students to wear masks, but this is surely a segway for bullying and exclusion as there becomes a divide in the student body. I know pressure will be placed on me to coerce my own class to wear masks but I can’t do this.
The guilt of working from home and its hindering my mothering capacity seeps in and steals my sleep. I’m awake typing this as they all sleep. I should have played more today, I could have been happier, I should have been more productive and had more enthusiasm. I honestly don’t know how Victorians have coped, they are in way deeper than Sydney having spent much more time locked up, caged to their dwellings. Every week the demands of educating remotely are increased as schools compete to offer the best learning resources and sense of connectedness for their students. It’s what teachers do, strive to do better, to always assess, reflect and improve. But it’s exhausting, and I don’t think it’s sustainable. I’ve seen it from both sides now and it’s brutal on both ends. Teachers are working overtime, way more than usual, their home refuge now a work hub. And parents are struggling between their paid jobs if they still have them and their parenting demands, running a house and running online learning all whilst running on empty with no outlets for self care like the gym or salon or alone time. Technology is the best at bringing out the worst in people. How many times does the WiFi have to shit itself and the passwords, oh the fucking passwords.
Then comes the question of workplace safety. The form I was sent to fill in about my new ‘workspace’ was laughable. Do I have an ergonomic desk? No. Do I own a mouse for my computer. No. I have a tiny laptop with a tiny screen, the one issued to me on the last day of life before lockdown. Do I have a chair? Just the couch. My kids will take over the dining room table, and every other surface, with their homeschooling. Is my workspace free of trip hazards? Was Lego invented? Does having kids allow a trip hazard free space…ever? I was honest on the form and then told that if I injure myself whilst working nothing will come of it. I didn’t expect it to.
After heavy downpours back in February my classroom at school is still waiting for the now surely mouldy patch under the air dried carpet to be made ‘safe’. When the air conditioner attached to the same wall where the water gushed in craps out I fear that the electricals aren’t functioning correctly. But there are thousands of classrooms across Sydney, so we will wait for a fix that will likely never come. And now there are millions of at home classrooms, full of hazards. And where does the onus lie for keeping the kids safe? What happens when a child injures themselves doing a school task? Whilst we think through every task sent home for its achievability and safety there will always be hazards. Pencils can be sharp. My seven year old took great pride using an electric sharpener to sharpen all the pencils ready for home school and then left them on the floor as that is my children’s most favourite organisational space. It didn’t take long before one became lodged in a foot and my five year old screamed for a solid half hour as the broken lead was removed from underneath her skin in our doctor’s surgery. What about all the people staring at computer screens all day every day. I have seen many of my own class get the corona haircut with the boys becoming shaven and equally as many now wearing glasses that they previously did not have. And what of our posture, it can’t be good for our spines to be hunched forwards all day, will the Government fund physios and chiros for those affected by the restrictions? Will gyms become free so we can all lose our Covid Kilos and get back to good health?
I feel more like a detective these days, staring at the videos sent in, listening intently to the audio, ready to pick up on anything suspicious. And I’m lucky, because my class have great parents, but they are all human, and they are all struggling. The day I had to call a mother to ask how their day was going because her son had written about the chances of his parents having all the beer was highly likely I felt so much for all my parents. Their private lives are being exposed as their darlings unwittingly share what goes on behind closed doors. It was a Friday so her son was right, it was highly likely his parents would consume beer but I was thankful to find out he wasn’t given access to the alcoholic stash and an hour later beer was changed to soda in his online maths answer.
These are unprecedented times and something has got to give. This will define our younger generation and either make them resilient as fuck or breed children who don’t allow hope to take place in their hearts as so much of what they enjoy has been taken away. I have watched my own children lose the social connections with their peers that they crave, miss music and dance lessons, learn to learn through zoom, become fearful of germs and police who might get us in trouble for trying to maintain somewhat of a normal childhood. “Mummy, if the police come we will tell them we are walking home” my nine year old promises as we walk to the park, the fresh air and exercise so badly needed for our withered spirits, prior to our current house arrest. Our calendar is now blank, the first two months of this lockdown, birthdays were erased, dance competitions crossed out, soccer and gymnastics practice deleted. ‘Covid sucks ☹’ my ten year old scribbled next to our cancelled holiday. And whilst we try to make the best of things, turning our garage into a makeshift dance studio, having at home birthday celebrations where we pretend to eat at a restaurant and pretend to be at the actual movies and pretend the fancily decorated oversized cake is necessary, we are really just trying to save our children’s childhoods.
I didn’t sign up for this, no one did and as we stare down the barrel of the threats of no face to face regular schooling this entire year, despite now having a date that will or won’t change, it’s hard not to lose heart. I worry for my kids. I worry that my youngest won’t be school ready now preschool is cancelled. She attends a preschool that runs only for school hours and only for 4 and 5 year olds. Its specifically for school readiness. She so loved to social interactions and learning about making friends and sitting as a group listening to stories and all the art and craft that was on offer. And my year one child, who has now essentially missed his first two years of schooling, who is struggling to read and has lost the social skills learnt in early schooling. Then my year three child, perhaps she will come out the best in all of this, it’s the middle years after all. But her gymnastics, how will she get back to her squad, how does she maintain her level with no access to coaches and gym equipment. Where will our sport stars of tomorrow come from? And what about my year five child, such a pivotal primary school year. She has big dreams this kid. Her dance nationals have been taken away, our holiday to Queensland canned and even still she is continuing to train her best in our shitty garage surrounded by clutter but on the dance floor her daddy built. But what of her aspirations to become a student leader, will her cohort even get a chance to vote? Is there any point anymore? The current school leaders have not had a chance to run cheer squads at carnivals or speak at assemblies. Today I was thankful our kids have been to a zoo, I mean what about these kids who have been born into this, who haven’t met relatives and are now toddlers. Will their first visit to a zoo be when they are teenagers? When is the world going to open again? And if it does open, will we ever have an undivided society again where medical choices are private and our postcodes don’t determine our freedoms?
I’m fatigued. We all are. And whilst I completely understand the need to keep us all safe, trust me I know, our youngest has chronic lung disease and we have had more than our fair share of time spent in hospitals watching helplessly as machines breathed for her, so we get it, we get how serious ICU and inability to breath is, but at what point will the psychological impact be weighed into this? Last year I was scared, but as time went on and her doctors told us she would be able to fight Covid, we are now more frustrated than anything. Mounting evidence is being built that suggests overall, children are at more risk from the flu than Covid. Will the government offer more school counsellors? Doubtful, they don’t have enough resourcing put into it as it is. Will child psychologists attract a higher Medicare rebate? Probably not. Who will support the parents who have tried their best to keep the schooling going at home and their families afloat as more restrictions are lumped on them week after week. And are we at all prepared for the long term consequences of the lack of formal schooling for our youngest students? Will the university entry levels be scrapped? Will we have kids learning to read in year 3? Will schooling be dragged on longer or will there be a new space be made for an in between educational institution to catch kids up stealing more of their childhood? Are parents prepared to learn their children have not progressed as they would have had they been in formal schooling.
I hope the opposite will happen. I hope this generation will learn more about family and working together and helping around the house. I went into this lockdown wanting for my kids to come out of this happy and healthy. It feels like survival mode now. I will try to maintain their childhoods, try to enjoy the no paced lifestyle but being a teacher and a parent we feel we have less time than ever before. Even without the chauffeuring to and from activities, there is simply no time left for just us, and that is exhausting. So if you don’t get through your kids school work, that’s okay. If you aren’t as productive, its understandable. If your kids slip backwards academically they will catch up. Resilience is being built, alongside anxiety. That is the internal war we are all facing at the moment.
