Author: rt@hotmail.com.au

It’s easy to lose yourself when you become a parent. Our identity is a risk of slipping away as we discover the most successful ways to parent our children. We forget who we once were pre-parenthood, as our world no longer revolves around us and what we desire for ourselves but around our children and what they need and want. For a new mother even the wardrobe  changes, whether out of necessity as some items no longer fit our new shapes, or because of the morphing into the presentable parent who is conservatively stylish utilizing the often dwindled clothing budget as now there are mini me’s to dress. I guess that is perhaps part of the reason we can let some of our interests and hobbies go by the way side. Forgotten and replaced by piles of laundry, strategic artwork placement on the fridge as we know all too well paper placed too close to the door divide will create an artwork avalanche when we open the freezer door, and the perpetual nose and bum wiping that sees us wash our hands far too many times a day.

There is one old trick you don’t have to part with, however, even if time is tight and kids have taken over your home. So ”let’s talk about sex, baby”, just like the Salt-N-Pepa song from 1990 says. So, after much research with husband, I have come up with 5 easy ways of ”Bringing sexy back” (thanks JT) to your love life. Sex hacks for parents if you will.

1. Socks and Skirts

Being a Caesar mum of 3, I understand how pregnancy and birth changes your body. It can leave things a little out of place, scarred, and just different. Plus with a baby or toddler there isn’t as much time for personal grooming and attention to detail as there once was. But we can’t let a few small changes wreak havoc on our love lives. It’s time to claim it back and sometimes covering up a few areas can boost our confidence enough to feel like the sexy vixen we truly are.

Haven’t got time to shave your legs; wear long socks or thigh high pantyhose. A bit embarrassed about your lady parts; wear a mini skirt and sit on his face! Just make sure he can breathe under there, safe word anyone? He will love it and you don’t have to look! Now breastfeeding and pregnancy can do wonders for a woman’s bust but whilst giant bouncy boobs can be fun, a spray of milk in your man’s face might not be so sexy, so wear a hot bra. Even maternity bras come in lace nowadays. And if you are like me and at the other end of the breastfeeding journey where you are now officially a member of the Itty-bitty-titty Committee, also wear a bra! So many colours and fabrics, surprise him with a different look each time you do the deed. Even if you are sweaty and wearing spew spattered clothes, having sexy lingerie underneath will boost your confidence.

2. Make Foreplay your Forte

If your house is anything like ours it can be difficult getting a word in, and when the kids are finally asleep you might feel too tired to talk. But why not utilize your smart phone for something other than browsing your Facebook feed and taking selfies of you and your minion sipping on your mumma-chino and baby-chino. I’m saying send your other half a flirty text. A simple, “I’ve got dinner covered, you bring dessert” will suffice if you are a little unsure how he or she might take it. Or go full throttle and tell your partner how much you want them and their hard, throbbing….you get the drift. If you want to go cray-cray add a picture message to spice things up, just remember to delete it afterwards. Nothing more mortifying than showing your preschool mummy friends brag pics of your little one then stumbling across a full frontal of your derriere.

3. Booby trap your Bedroom Door

Now this was hubby’s idea so I can’t take all the credit, and it did come about quite by accident. So your babies are sound asleep and you and your partner are getting frisky between the sheets. Suddenly you hear a noise and you freeze. “Whats’ that?” you whisper hoping it isn’t your toddler creeping down the hallway towards your bedroom door. In your mind you run through the expenses of all the counselling sessions you will need to overcome your little one stumbling across you naked in the throws of wild sex, and then how many sessions they will need! Who will be more damaged emotionally from this frightful scene? Take a breath, we have this covered. You know how when everyone is asleep and you are trying to be really quiet then all of a sudden you hear a chink and lights flash as Dora sings her song? Well find one of your kids nosiest, touch activated toys and place it in front of your bedroom door so if your kid comes anywhere near your room you will hear them and at least have time to cover yourself with a sheet and pretend to be asleep. Or if your youngster is clever enough to avoid stepping onto a misplaced toy, put one behind the door so as the door creaks open the toy gets hit and voila your own personal “Holy shit, cover up, my kid is here” alarm is activated. Alternatively have sex up against the bathroom vanity with the door locked for good measure.

4. Become the Queen of the Quickie

Parents are pressed for time at the best of times, so sex can be put on the back burner and often too much. So squeeze in a quickie when an opportunity presents itself. Find a movie the kids love that will keep them glued to the television and let them watch it when baby has his nap time. Tell the kids you and hubby are going to have a shower or do some work or something boring sounding. Set up your bedroom booby trap and go at it. Or when the kids are in bed asleep at night, and you are doing the dishes and tidying up the days madness ask hubby to help out. Excuse yourself and go find a skirt and lose your undies on the way. Surprise husband with a quickie in the laundry, it reinforces his good behavior for helping with the housework and gives you both enjoyment so its a win win! After a while you won’t need to ask him to help out, he will clean no questions asked.

Mums are great at multitasking so why not combine the shower with sex? Ask hubby to join you, and make more steam than the shower head! If you aren’t as adventurous, try to avoid settling in to watch television once the kids are asleep. Instead have a quickie before you relax too much so you at least have the energy to enjoy it.

5. Daring Dates

Sex isn’t just about making babies, it wasn’t about that before you decided to become parents and it shouldn’t be between making babies or when your family is complete. Having a kid free date is a great way to reconnect with your partner, have a laugh and rediscover why you fell for your other half in the first place. But if you are hoping for the date to lead to a sexy showdown try not to organise anything that requires too much energy. As I found out, organising a high flying trapeze date was great fun and husband looked super sexy doing back flips and mastering new skills  with his arm muscles protruding as he flipped off the netting, but it wasn’t so great for post date sexy time as we were both  exhausted and sore. Although if you prefer adventurous outings with your partner, refer to point 4, a quickie is an answer in these situations followed by some tender cuddling and can happen either end of the date!

Above all it is important for you and your partner to communicate. After having babies things can feel different and some positions you once loved might no longer work, but if you can find the time to try you will find new positions and ways of fulfilling your love life that leave you tingling for more. Know your limits, sex three months after birth is entirely different to sex 6 months after birth and different to sex during pregnancy again. Tell eachother what you like, what you are comfortable with and open yourself up to surprising eachother and falling in love all over again.

As our eldest nears “big school” age, and the huge milestone of turning 5 is so close now it almost seems within visible reach, I have been making every effort to prepare our Miss 4. I have no doubt she will flourish academically, my child is incredibly gifted intellectually (at least us proud parents believe so), yet I do remember how awkward it can be finding your place in a new social setting.

Our local school has a huge enrollment with over 600 students from kindergarten through to year 6 and frankly that scares me. I am terrified she will get lost in the crowd, become invisible as she blends into the masses of grey and blue checkered uniforms, her needs unmet, her uniqueness lost.  Filling in enrollment forms this morning I became a bit emotional and also nostalgic. I was nervous at first, what if I filled it in wrong? What if I didn’t know the answers? Silly right, I know my kid, but I also know these forms will form the basis of the first opinions made about my child even before anyone from the school has met her.

I feel proud as I fill in our family details, both parents are tertiary educated and married (to each other). Then I consider how it must have been for my mother filling out these same forms 25 years ago, being the sole parent for two children. Well I hope she was proud when she filled out those forms. She should have been, I am awesome and my brother is okay and parenting in a team is hard work, going it alone must be incredibly onerous. As I continue filling in the form I ask our daughter what her preferred name is and she tells me her first name. I ask about her nickname, a cute name we have fondly called her since birth. She declines, her full name it is.

Now my emotions begin to race, I feel sad even though there are 6 months before she starts. I tell husband I will need either wine or a baby in my belly to get through the first day of school. All the energy, expense, time and love I have poured into this child since the moment she was first placed into my arms as a newborn is about to go on show as she takes her first big steps away from me as her guide and closest friend and confidant.

Since the start of this year I have headed preschools advice that play dates would be a good starting point for our Miss 4 to gain confidence in social interactions. It’s not that she isn’t confident per se, she is just as her preschool teachers describe it, “in a bubble”. So I took the initiative and arranged a whole lot of play dates. I prepared our house as best I could, husband and I madly dusting, vacuuming and mopping the day before each play date. Me baking cakes and biscuits, ensuring there were enough activities to keep the kids occupied and happy.

The play dates themselves weren’t all that bad. The kids did have a great time as they jumped from couch to couch, threw rocks against the walls, zoomed about on scooters and painted up a storm all the while leaving a trail of play-dough and cake crumbs throughout the house and smushed into the carpet. The mums and I would converse as we, well just I in a few cases, tried in vain to keep an eye on the kids and salvage any semblance of tidiness and unbroken-ness our home had. At the end of each play date, some of which went on way too long, I was exhausted. Yet the excitement Miss 2 and Miss 4 have about “fiends coming to play” made me feel I had done a good job of Mummying.

Then weeks began to pass and not one mum invited us round for a repeat play date but on their turf. I don’t think it has anything to do with my child, yet more to do with the fact these mums are smarter than I. It is stupid really, setting your home up to be vandalized by preschoolers, mums too preoccupied with a hot tea resting in their hands to bother looking at what their kids are getting up to. And it is hard to tell another person’s child what they can and can’t do, to set the rules when it isn’t your kid. And this coupled with the clean up is just way too much outlay of effort when you get nothing in return. I praise all those mums who host regular mum’s groups, they truly have a surplus of patience to provide respite for fellow frazzled mummys and play spaces for their cheeky children.

So our Miss 4 may be in a bubble, but it sure looks like a wonderful place to be, unhinged by the cruelness this world can bring. She may have unicorns and rainbows dancing on clouds in her world and be immersed in her own wonderful place. She may be incredibly focused on painting or writing or pretending to be a cat or mastering the art of riding her “sideways scooter” whilst hiding from ever looming dinosaurs and searching for sparkling fairies. She might be a little more introverted in large social settings. But what kind of world would it be without a little difference from the loud confident yet compliant extrovert the educators of today seem to be trying to mold out of each individual child.

One day, too soon for my liking, my child will begin to form real friendships and they will gradually become more important to her than spending time with me. So I am no longer going to be stupid, I have wised up in more ways than one. I am keeping my child to myself for as long as possible. I see her in the park, happy to interact with other kids, and for now that is all the extra social interactions she needs. Play dates are time consuming and require lots of effort, and quite frankly I prefer the often strange, sometimes bazaar, yet charmingly whimsical and comical conversations I have with my child than the forced interactions with other mums whilst their children run amok in our home. I intend on keeping my child as close as I can for as long as I can because spending time with her is a privilege and a joy.

My daughter is going to change the world. She is smart, endearing, incredibly compassionate and empathetic, clever, courageous and most of all she is brave. She is my hero. At 4 years of age she has overcome some hurdles some will never face, even as adults. But we have been counting our small wins in our battle privately. And it brings tears to my eyes to see how her differences affect her socially.

Last year when my then Miss 3 started preschool she had already been to more doctors appointments than most. Her brutal entrance into this world, ripped from her mothers womb then taken away to special care nursery, separated from the only safety she knows, whilst not than uncommon,  was certainly not the peaceful and loving environment I had planned for her. Both of us were very unwell and it took nearly 6 months for our little family to see the light and for me to enjoy motherhood with a healing body and a healthy and happy baby.

However much I tried as a parent to protect my beautiful baby, her road was rough from the start health wise. Never anything serious, which we are undeniably grateful for, but hurdle after hurdle after hurdle. So when she did start preschool last year, an outwardly happy settled child, I held my concerns. She went to preschool happy enough, and told me of the children she played with. I took note of names she mentioned consistently and attempted to make contact with the parents of these kids to arrange playdates. I was gobsmacked when the mother of a sweet little boy refused to have a playdate because my daughter is a girl. “What is she afraid of? That her son might grow into a sensitive man? That he might have respect for women as an adult? That he might view women as equals when he enters the workforce one day?” I ranted at my husband. How could anyone deny their child the freedom to chose whom they play with? Well I was reminded of this incident this morning when that boy’s mother sat in front of our family at the preschool concert in which my child didn’t miss a beat and performed superbly. And I am reminded of the selfish rejection my child faces weekly when her preschool pocket is empty of party invites that pop out of the pockets of other children. Whilst I reason it isn’t just her who gets left out, its incredibly hard to not feel deflated.

You see, if my child was suffering from asthma, or  diabetes or something as horrible as cancer, I wouldn’t feel the need to hide it. And I’m sure parents wouldn’t disallow their kids to be friends with my child, they might even do quite the opposite and encourage them to be friends. But when it comes to our mental health, what keeps us functioning and going, its all whispers. Even writing this now I have a twinge of doubt that my child may be judged if I hit the publish button. But it isn’t her fault. I’m sure anyone who endured the horrific treatment for a fusion making it impossible to toilet would associate doing a wee with pain. The scream that echoed out of the treatment room during the procedure makes me shudder to this day, and she had only just turned 3 at the time. Suffice to say we soon changed pediatricians going with a doctor who is more gentle with her methods.

Her new pediatrician whom we have been seeing regularly for well over a year tells me each visit that my child is highly functioning, and compassionate and thoughtful, and that the reason she is now suffering gripping fear is because she is so intelligent.  She reminds me children will naturally be draw to befriend her because she is so thoughtful and kind and I believe in time she will be popular, though not through a mean girl facade that perhaps some of these mothers held as children and teens but by her genuine loving nature. But as it has been nearly 18 months and we have had little toileting progress and a near hospitalization as the fear makes her hold on, sometimes for 24 hours, we have called in some back up.

I was nervous sitting in the waiting room, and ashamed. My beautiful 4 year old was seeing a child psychologist to tackle her fears. But as my husband and I spoke with our new doctor, our avenue of hope that this could finally be sorted in time for our academically ready child to start big school next year, I started to relax. We are told it’s not uncommon for children this age to have toileting fears, and reassured that its not unreasonable for this to have happened given her medical history. We are asked many questions about our daughter and our family and I slowly start to realise that our Miss 4 has possibly always been a bit nervy about certain things, such as loud noises like a truck roaring past on a busy street or the hand dryers in public bathrooms. And it all becomes clear, we finally admit to ourselves that our child has anxiety. I breathe deeply. I listen to the doctor as she hands us dozens of forms to fill in and discusses her treatment plan.

Having suffered anxiety myself I know how crippling it can be. Our Miss 4 hides it well. I recall the phrase from the hit movie and a favorite in out household, Disney’s Frozen, where it is claimed “Fear will be your enemy”. This is certainly true of anxiety. Then the second idea from the movie that is fitting, ‘love will save us’. And that is definitely also true, but unfortunately we live in an unkind and unforgiving society that shames and blames rather than loves and encourages  the people and families of those being treated for various mental health ailments.

We have since seen the psychologist a second time and now have regular sessions booked in and I have to say it does feel good to have this much needed support. Already after only two visits we are taking steps forwards. Our brave Miss 4 has used a public bathroom twice! Twice people! That’s amazing for a child who hasn’t been able to use any other toilet than the ones at our home and her grandmother’s home meaning we have had to schedule outings around when she may need to go. And I was greeted by a very proud child at preschool last week, announcing loudly “Mummy, I did a wee at preschool! Before you came!”. See whilst for most parents of 4 year olds this wound’t seem like something noteworthy, after the battle we have been fighting its a win worth celebrating. I let my instinct to shush her for fear of judgment lapse and listen as she tells me how she did her bubble breathing to feel calm. And I am proud, because I have a 4 year old who can recognise and label her emotions and further can use steps to control them so they don’t control her. We still have a lot of work to do and I am really hopeful that by the end of this year there will no longer be a need for nappies and shortened outings. But for now I know one thing is for sure, my daughter is going to change the world. She is my hero.