PMS: Perfect Mummy Syndrome

When you have your first baby you want everything to be absolutely perfect. Often there is a baby shower perfectly planned with cupcakes presented immaculately, ornate decorations that all match and a list of games prepared carefully to entertain guests. The nursery is set up meticulously; each toy has its place, wipes and nappies sit neatly on a change table shelf and all linen is folded and kept methodically. The house is clean and your precisely packed hospital bag waits near the door as you nest away, eagerly anticipating your new baby’s arrival.

Finally the day of baby’s arrival comes, and its far less pretty than you ever imagined. There’s blood, fluids of all sorts, sweat, spit from your frothing mouth as you swear at your partner whilst gripping their hand in a vice like manner, and eww, is that poo? For a Caesar mother it is no less messy with tubes going in and out here and there, blood, and did I just fart or have I shit myself? Whichever way baby comes out, it gets messy and your dignity is checked at the door. By the second day you have composed yourself somewhat, even if only during visiting hours. The sponge bath or first shower cleanses you as you shudder away the traumatic birth memories and soak in your newborn’s loveliness.

Taking baby home is a big step and you try your best to make sure everything remains prefect for the sake of your precious baby, and sometimes for your sanity. As you work away at feeding your baby and helping your baby sleep, feeding and sleeping, feeding and sleeping, you begin to notice strange things. You notice the laundry pile starts to climb higher and higher each week. You see dust where there previously was no dust. You observe bins overflowing with nappies and wipes, much like the sink is now overflowing with dirty dishes. You breathe, as long as baby doesn’t touch ‘yuck’ everything is okay.

You now carry wipes with you everywhere and as baby grows you do your best to spot clean wherever baby tries to crawl or touch. Your cleaning and nervousness about germs becomes a little obsessive compulsive making you tense when you spot a potential  hazard. “Don’t touch that!” you yelp out as your baby grabs some item from the floor, for you haven’t sanitised it yet, phew that was close! Your mission is to ensure baby doesn’t come into contact with any germs, you don’t want her getting sick after all. Playground outings become germ patrol as you avoid any children with a runny nose or cough for at least a 5 metre radius. Often you pick your now nearly year old out of a playground looking on in horror as another child sneezes in your direction as you quickly move away trying to escape the germs.

By your first child’s first birthday you are exhausted but happy you survived the first year. You celebrate your achievements with a huge party, fully themed and all ‘matchy matchy’ of course, and with some over the top cake. You have to impress your, well your guests as your kid is so overwhelmed by the whole event they hardly notice the cake and decorations. And once they do have some cake they smash it so fast they surely can’t have noticed the ornate fondant icing decorations you spent hours making (or hundreds buying). This is your baby’s first taste of sugary sweetness, you have managed to avoid all junk food up until this first bite of birthday cake. You are very proud of this fact. You had to swat away Grandma as she attempted to hand your baby treats several times, but you made it, a year with no junk food (at least your baby didn’t have any, you on the other hand…).

As you help your baby unwrap presents your little one beams and squeals in delight as they proudly hold up a large blue owl with two huge yet friendly eyes. The owl sings a song, and suddenly everyone around you is singing the same tune. How do they know this tune? You have never heard it before. Then a guest, your friend with a slightly older child, points out it is the theme song for “Giggle and Hoot”. Who? Giggle and who? Never mind, your child is besotted by the owl. Perhaps you should let her watch television once in a while? You have escaped its use for a year now, you give yourself a pat on the back. You have thousands of photos from your child’s first year, dozens of hand prints, and a precious lock of hair from the first trim as you aim to capture every momentous moment in your baby’s life, and every other moment in between. And this party is no exception as you take thousands of photos of this joyous celebration.

A few months (or years) later and two little blue lines change your life as you prepare for your family to expand. You are more relaxed this time yet still set an incredibly high standard for your Mummying skills. This time you nest as much as you can, but with a toddler taking everything apart, packing a hospital bag and stacking a nappy caddy neatly in anticipation of a new baby are hardly at the top of your to do list. Not with crayon to clean off the walls and the remnants of lunch to sweep from the floors.

When your new baby arrives you are better prepared for the messiness of childbirth and aren’t as fussed about having a tidy house when you return home with your second bundle of joy. You do your best to keep your toddler away from the baby with their grubby hands poking and prodding but eventually give up and enjoy the sibling bond, at least when there is no face poking going on. Your laundry pile remains high and never really seems to go away, except for maybe that half hour after you have just placed your five loads of clean laundry away in draws and on shelves. Your floor is visible through a scattering of toys, books and belongings. Your toddler likes to leave a trail from their room, just like Hansel and Gretel left a trail of breadcrumbs, so they could find their way back home again.

With your second, you still have wipes on hand but have given up the disinfectant carrying as your nappy bag is fuller than ever now. You are determined to take as many photos of your second child as you have done so with your first and have your camera still on hand to snap all the special moments, and most moments in between too. You don’t want any sibling rivalry so you aim to do everything just as perfectly this time round. But as your second child grows and gets bigger you realise its a lot harder to protect them from germs. This is especially difficult now as your toddler is often the germ carrying culprit sneezing in your baby’s direction.

By your second child’s first birthday you have for the most part given up on the incessant hand wiping, and don’t yell so much for your children to “Drop that!” or “Don’t touch that!” but rather to “Stop that!” as they “play” together. You plan another huge celebration of your surviving your second child’s first year. Again you don’t want sibling rivalry, they must have everything the same! Then if you are crazy enough to go again, you wake up one day with a huge pregnant belly and realise that oh my, am I already 37 weeks pregnant, perhaps I should pack my hospital bag, until your preschooler and toddler distract you with their yelling “Mummy, come here!” as they too have awoken. Your midwife reminds you to pack your bag but you insist there’s plenty of time, you’ve done it all before, no need to panic.

Again you lay in a hospital bed with a beautiful newborn in your arms. You don’t worry about all the mess around you, you are just thankful you survived that ordeal…again. When you return home you carefully step between toys and books, clothes and other items strewn across the floor and settle in to the task of feeding and assisting your newborn to sleep. Your laundry pile is now three laundry piles, never empty, never clean all at once. Your linen cupboard is all messed up, not even towel sets remain together as you just grab what ever is on top. And your children eat popcorn as they watch kiddies programs on television, both now singing the theme songs by heart. As you watch them absorbed by the television, holding handfuls of popcorn, you look at your third baby and whisper “You have no chance baby, your siblings will be handing you junk food as soon as you are sitting up and able to eat!”. Your new baby stares at the lights coming from the television, you only made it a week before they watched television this time.

You realise you need to embrace the mess as it isn’t going away, not with three kiddies making it now. And as for germ protection, your dog has already licked your new baby’s face in the first week of being home and your toddler has poked baby in the eyes when you weren’t looking and your preschooler has coughed in their face. You pack a lighter nappy bag now, realising you only need to pack the essentials (nappies, wipes, dummy, drink bottle, snack etc), rather than packing for every possible scenario and weather change that might occur in the brief time you are out of the house…if you ever get out of the house again. Whilst driving with three kiddies all tucked up in their car seats alongside each other you realise its suddenly eerily quiet. You turn to inspect what the issue is as silence is never golden when there’s kids involved. You discover your toddler is stuffing a snotty tissue in your three week olds’ mouth and as you swat her away from the baby you realise your family will from now on be sharing any and all germs. There’s no point sanctioning off drink bottles as you try to avoid the spread of colds and illness between kids, and you realise your third baby will probably not have their hands wiped incessantly upon contact with any germy looking object as you did with your first and attempted with your second.

Life becomes a blur of nappy changes, preparing meals, preparing snacks, loads of laundry, wiping noses, wiping little hands, picking up toys, loads of laundry and more laundry. Its after your third load of laundry in the same morning that you decide its okay to continue to sleep in a bed with baby sick up on the sheets, it will dry and you can’t keep changing the sheets daily right? Your new fragrance is ‘Eau De Baby Vomit’ and you wear it as a mark of solidarity on your shirt, proudly bowing your head as you come across other mothers during your school run. With the five minutes you have to get ready in the morning you have to decide between brushing your teeth and putting on deodorant. Don’t take too long deciding, you are running out of time! You moisturise your face and use a little extra to tame some stray hairs. Looking in the mirror you realise you don’t look your best but race off to get your kids ready anyway. You spend more time plaiting your preschoolers hair than you do getting dressed! After all, if your kids are happy, you are happy.

You still take photos of your third child, but not nearly as many, there just isn’t time. And as for hand prints, if you have done one set by the time this kid is 1 you have achieved success! You often carry your third baby in one arm as you chase around after your toddler who finds emptying cupboards great fun. You never would have dreamed of holding your first baby with only one arm, but now you do it like a pro. You think ahead to their first birthday and realise that whilst there will be a celebration of your survival of the first year again, its possibly less work to combine the Baptism/Naming Ceremony with the first birthday, and its only one cake then! And as for a party theme, ‘theme sheme’, who needs a theme!

As a mum of three little ones I realise that whilst I aim for perfection with my Mummying as I love my kids more than anything and would do anything for them, I have lowered my standards with each consecutive bundle of joy. I have included a chart to express how this Perfect Mummying Syndrome (otherwise known as PMS) works. You will notice the decline in the Perfection Scale as more children are added to your brood. However, its not for lack of quality, its simply a flow on from reality. The reality that even with three or more kids we aim to be perfect mums yet become more real about what’s achievable, and once we get to that point our Mummying balances out and we become more content and confident in our skills. We realise if our kids are happy and loved and we survive each day, we are doing a great job. So don’t stress the PMS, relax and enjoy your kids and the mess that comes with being a mum.