Reflective Reasoning

Ever wondered what you sound like? How you walk? What characteristic mannerisms you coin without even realizing it?

Children are like mirrors of our souls. They are very perceptive and are great at reflecting our behaviors back onto us as they accurately mimic our expressions, our physicality, our true selves. I try to be a good Mum and keep myself calm and poised around my children as best I can, but some days (nay, every day) there comes a time when the remaining patience I have left is worn so thin a hole appears and I can turn into a raging maniac dropping the ‘f bomb’ like the best of them. It’s usually because of an external event, for instance the energy company keeping me on hold for a very long time and then failing to resolve what I called up about in the first place. Or it could be that simultaneously all three of my children have decided to yell orders at me and scream and cry if I don’t respond in that instant as I quietly decipher what each wail requires and determine which is the source of the crying or yelling that needs the most urgent attention. Or it could just be that I have picked up the flour from the pantry and the flour is suddenly too heavy for the paper packaging to contain it as it falls to the floor, particles clinging to the shelves and walls as they tumble. Or possibly the fact the back hole in our house has claimed my keys yet again! Or even the searing pain I feel as my toddler lifts her head too quickly as we cuddle and smacks my front teeth with such force my lips begin to tingle and I taste blood in my mouth. Whatever lights the spark, I’m not perfect, I ‘ll admit I do often say a few profanities, breath deeply, then move on.

And whilst I try to model the perfect embodiment of a human being to my beautiful children I explain that “Mummy is angry/frustrated/annoyed because she hurt her teeth/lost her keys/made a mess etc and its okay to feel this way, but its not okay to say a rude word (or two, or three), so Mummy is doing deep breathing and is going to have a time out”. This usually follows me retreating to the pantry for a sugar hit as I regain my composure. I’m lucky my kids are so great and accepting of my imperfection; Miss 4 is very comforting and compassionate, such a kind-hearted kid, she hold my hand and looks at me with concern, “It’s okay Mummy”, she comforts me. Miss 2 is a little bit more devious, and smiles as she takes in the show. Master 8 months old is too small yet to understand the situation, he smiles at me as the excitement of the heated moment fades away.

Sometimes my children will say things and I will think, ‘Now where have I heard that before, it sounds familiar’. Often they are quoting me! My mother finds great pleasure in pointing out to me when they chant in the car “Come on lights, go greeeeeen!” but I like to chirp back that it could be a lot worse than that! Somehow my sweet Miss 4 missed most of my bad language, only stumbling over the occasional “bulls&*$”, but I will admit, at the time I was very proud as she did swear in perfect tone and circumstance, only ever when it was warranted. Besides, that particular profanity isn’t in my repertoire…we all know which grandparent is responsible for this doosey!

In contrast, my Miss 2 somehow picks up every rude word I say and delights in reciting these words over and over. And whilst she is great at using correct tone and circumstance for swear words, she also likes to say them for the sake of saying them. Last week she started saying “Fu**”, so I responded, “Duck”. Back and fourth our conversation went, “Fu**”, “Duck”, “Fu**”, “Duck”, “Fu**”, “Truck”, “Truck”, “Truck!”. Yesterday it was “Oh sh**, oh sh**”, to which I corrected “Oh sugar” and to which I whispered to myself “Oh sh**, she starts preschool next year, what if she uses this language there!”. Eventually Miss 2 is convinced that “Oh sugar” is a suitable alternative as I giggle each time she says it. She is happy knowing this phrase gets the reaction she was hoping for; laughter, as she loves to entertain.

Before I tell myself I’m a sh*tty mother, I am suddenly reminded of the great job I must really be doing as I watch my Miss 4 speaking so gently to her baby brother, and witness my girls sharing, giggling and having a beautiful conversation together. And my heart is truly warmed when I pick up Miss 4 from preschool last week and read the Valentines Day display the children have made. Asked to describe what love is, each child’s response is recorded on a colorful love heart they have crafted. Some are very sweet, one child responding “hugs”, another “making breakfast for my Mummy”, and then I read my daughters response, “Painting for my Mummy and Daddy” and I smile. I take great joy in making and creating special cards, cakes, cookies and projects for those I love and we do lots of art at our house, and so she has picked this up as something that is truly special for our family and an example of the love we have for each other. I also smile because another child has written “Mummy and Daddy buying me presents” and another has said “diamonds”. I guess I am doing okay as a role model after all and the reflections of me in my children, My Miss 4’s sweet caring nature, my Miss 2’s desire to make people happy through laughter and my Master 8 month old’s delightful smile and contented mumblings of “Mumma” reflect just this.

So I say mums, don’t be too hard on yourselves. If your kids swear in context you are teaching the art of language well, and if you find positive reflections outweighing those that make us feel ashamed or even embarrassed, then you are doing a good job. And every day is a new day, a fresh start to be a better role model than you were the day before.